You'd Think Someone Would've Mentioned Something, Right?

Aging sure beats the alternative, but just like when you had your first kid, there are a lot of things no one tells you. Remember when you thought you'd go home from the hospital in your regular-sized clothes? Or couldn't someone have mentioned that first post-birth poop would be like squeezing out a porcupine? Well, a porcupine dipped in kerosene and set on fire.

Now that I've crested over the proverbial hill and am on the fast boat to 50, I'm realizing there are things you simply learn on-the-job. Here are 10 of them, in no particular order.

Things I never thought about before they happened to me:

1. I only sneeze when my bladder is full. Said bladder is as sturdy as the no-name paper towel the Bounty people compare to themselves.
2. The day comes when you have to start shaving your toes. 
3. I have one tooth that likes to double as a display easel for whatever I eat.
4. My gray hair is not coming in as highlights like I'd planned.
5. I can no longer predict what effect any meal will have on my digestive system.
6. Night sweats can really ruin a great blow-out.
7. Sometimes when I put my driving glasses on top of my head, I discover my reading glasses have already claimed the real estate.
8. It's not unheard of for me to wake up with an injury I incurred while sleeping.
9. I order my cocktails based solely on the hangover level I'm willing to put up with.
10. I may have already published this list, but frankly I can't remember. (And is using the word "frankly" automatic AARP board member status?)