Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Window to the Soul and Other Sundry Body Parts

If you've ever walked into an Abercrombie store two things are immediately apparent:
  1. You wish you'd have brought your own oxygen supply. Yes they spray all of the merchandise with 10 spritzes of cologne every hour!
  2. The models for this clothing store wear no clothes.
However, this weekend you might have seen something that has brought in-store promotion to a new level. American Apparel is decorating its Lower East Side storefront windows with 70s porn bush-adorned mannequins. It's not that I'm prudish about nudity, but what on earth could be the reasoning behind this decision?

Focus Group Moderator: Thank you all for coming today. We'd like to show you some ideas for our upcoming window display.

Focus Group Attendee: Those look good and all, but what is really missing is a woodchuck  pelt glued to her genderless fiberglass crotch.

Focus Group Moderator: Excellent idea, but let's scratch the woodchuck and go with beaver.



Ok, so who knows how it went down, but they thoughtfully added areolae (yes, I looked up the plural) to complete the look. I haven't a clue if this will sell more clothes, but it has reminded me to add Gillette Mach 3s to this week's shopping list.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

You'd Think Someone Would've Mentioned Something, Right?

Aging sure beats the alternative, but just like when you had your first kid, there are a lot of things no one tells you. Remember when you thought you'd go home from the hospital in your regular-sized clothes? Or couldn't someone have mentioned that first post-birth poop would be like squeezing out a porcupine? Well, a porcupine dipped in kerosene and set on fire.

Now that I've crested over the proverbial hill and am on the fast boat to 50, I'm realizing there are things you simply learn on-the-job. Here are 10 of them, in no particular order.

Things I never thought about before they happened to me:
  1. I only sneeze when my bladder is full. Said bladder is as sturdy as the no-name paper towel the Bounty people compare to themselves.
  2. The day comes when you have to start shaving your toes. 
  3. I have one tooth that likes to double as a display easel for whatever I eat.
  4. My gray hair is not coming in as highlights like I'd planned.
  5. I can no longer predict what effect any meal will have on my digestive system.
  6. Night sweats can really ruin a great blow-out.
  7. Sometimes when I put my driving glasses on top of my head, I discover my reading glasses have already claimed the real estate.
  8. It's not unheard of for me to wake up with an injury I incurred while sleeping.
  9. I order my cocktails based solely on the hangover level I'm willing to put up with.
  10. I may have already published this list, but frankly I can't remember. (And is using the word "frankly" automatic AARP board member status?)

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Taking the Fall: The Stumble and Crack Heard 'round the School

Yesterday at tennis, my friend Meredith went teacup over teakettle. She was taking an overhead feed in a lesson and down she went. For the record she hit the ball for a winner down the alley. Or at least I told her I'd write that if she let me use her real name. She also looked thin, pretty and young. In any case, seeing her drop to the ground faster than Lady Mary Crawley hearing of Matthew's car accident, brought me back to 1983: the year that will forever remain a defining moment in my klutzy life.

I was a scrawny 10th grader with a big crush on the senior who helped out in my gym class. The course unit was indoor floor hockey and I was all about making a plan to get noticed by Steve Austin (unlike Meredith, this was not his name, nor was he bionic as far as I know). Here's how the plan was supposed to go down:

  • Pretend to get checked during floor hockey game
  • Fall to ground and pretend to need help
  • Steve Austin will rush over and help me up
  • We make eye contact as he double checks to make sure I'm ok
  • I get to think about that for the rest of the day and possibly the semester

Here's what really happened:
  • I pretended to get checked during floor hockey game
  • I overacted the fall, lost my balance and stumbled backward
  • I landed in a seated position cushioning my fall with my hands
  • I broke both wrists in said landing

Technically the left was broken and the right was sprained, but I showed up the next day with one permanent and one removable cast. My awesome plan to get noticed sure worked. Every kid in the school called me "Broken Arms" -- everyone except Steve Austin who never called me anything.





One more thing: I owe a 30-year-old apology to Mark Maizel -- the guy who happened to be standing next to me when I took my flop and assumed he'd knocked into me. Out of sheer embarrassment, I never corrected him. Luckily he's on FB. Hi Mark and I'm so sorry (if you even remember this incident)!!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year's Resolutions and Babies: Easy to Make; Hard to Deliver

Yep, it's that time of year: absolutely no open parking spaces at the gym. You'd think people would actually choose to park far away from the entrance in order to add a few more notches to that shiny, new pedometer they got under the tree last week, but it doesn't work that way. New year's resolutions are as old as Baby New Year himself and broken as much as a Kardashian condom.

Year after year I make the same resolutions as everyone else: eat less crap; burn more calories. I don't really write them down or say them out loud, but they dangle there in my hippocampus for the first few weeks of January until I forget that I meant to not order cheese fries and blow off Body Pump for a pedicure. But as Popeye put it: I am what I am. Which reminds me, eat more spinach... and olive oil (or is it Olive Oyl?).

This year I'm going to try something new. Instead of making the same old short-lived promise to myself, I'm making three resolutions I think are actually keepable.

  1. I will take a risk and do something outside of my comfort zone. I actually might try to drive over my nemesis, the Bay Bridge, but since my hands literally started sweating as I typed those words, I'm definitely going to need some backup ideas. I'd like to try skeet shooting. Or stand-up, perhaps? Maybe a new hair color is more my speed. But definitely something this year. And I'm up for suggestions.
  2. I vow to finish a decorating project in my own home. You know, the shoemaker's children and all that? This one might be a little more challenging than #1, but since we just got a new washer and dryer, I'm thinking the laundry room is already on its way. It's small and I'm in there a lot so I think the payoff will be definitely worth it. 
  3. I pledge to watch more TV. I'm not sure this is possible, but I will definitely give it my all. Having multiple premium channels and renewing Netflix and Hulu should help. The DVR has been purged, my remote has new batteries and I'm looking for recommendations. 

And you know that I'll let you know how it goes.