Someone Get Me a Hair Net and a Nametag

He looks harmless, but once he opens his mouth
you realize he's a whiny tool.

What's the worst time of day in your house? When my kids were little it was unequivocally "the witching hour". Well hours, plural. Sometime between 3-6pm, my kids would go through a hideous transformation like Michael Jackson in the "Thriller" video.  In retrospect, I think they were like that all day, but my tolerance was shot by late afternoon and I was counting the minutes til "the great American handoff" (as I mentally called it) when my husband walked through the door and I could seek reprieve in the privacy of my closet or liquor cabinet. How I used to envy his being stuck in traffic choosing his own radio station while I struggled to not let my kids turn into Caillou. Gone are the days of little, little kids and the interminable afternoons, but they were replaced by my current and longer term mommy hell: the making of the school lunch.

Sound completely ridiculous? I totally agree, but I loathe it more than laundry on sheet changing day. I loathe it more than running out of hot water on body hair management day. When you have three kids who like three different meals, leave on three different busses to attend three different schools, making their lunches is no easy feat. And of course this is all happening before the damn rooster's Ambien has worn off. Yes, I realize I could make them the night before or even have them do it, but for some reason I keep this hideous task to myself. Maybe the control freak in me wants to make sure they have a somewhat balanced meal. Maybe I subconsciously enjoy the self-torture and the "I've done more by 7am than most people do all day" warped sense of accomplishment. Most likely it's simply self preservation: we will all fight less if I just do it myself.

I dream about the days when they bought school lunch. Well, at least the high schooler did, but that was so far back Obama had brown hair.

The middle schooler says she bought one time in 2nd grade out of necessity and wears her nearly perfect home-brought record with pride. Sometimes I secretly hope she will leave her lunch at home and have to buy something.

However, when it comes to bringing school lunch, the 3rd grader takes the cake (but she'd probably reject that too). She eats a wide variety of food at home, but declares them all disgusting when placed in the confines of a lunchbox. For years I got away with a thermos of soup, but now that's out. Also eliminated: pasta, yogurt, and sandwiches of any kind. Good times.

But today is Friday and Fridays rock. And not just because I've seen my modern day witching hour of 6:15am for the last time this week. For the next 60+ hours I get to stash those Vera Bradley lunch boxes out of sight and mind; leaving plenty of space in this kooky brain to mentally reminisce about the olden days when my biggest concern was deciding which guy from Blue's Clues was hotter.

Joe, on the left, replaced Steve, the original dork-a-licious host.

Blue was definitely the best looking one on the show.

Grammarvelous #1: Gold Meddling

Today I start my first monthly column and I'm so excited. If you've ever hung out with me IRL (in real life), sent me an email or tagged me in a Facebook post, it may have crossed your mind that my mental red pen might do some automated editing. Well, I find that assumption insulting. True, but insulting. I admit it's beyond my control and I find it funner* than most other things I learned as a student.

Sure, when we were in school, we were spared the Common Core and all its flaws, but we did have to take on other cockamamy things such as diagramming sentences -- possibly the most dreadful assignment ever. I still have no idea what it was all about or why we had to do it, but I'm sure it was enough to get most of the class to tune out subsequent lessons. Yes I love grammar, but don't pretend to know everything. So in the words of the dreamy Troy Bolton, "We're all in this together."

Let's kick off with a really obvious mistake -- and one you've probably never made and are in no danger of ever making -- so we can all feel really good about our linguistical prowess. Mostly I just thought it was funny and sometimes funny just wins over practical.

A few days ago I watched about 5 minutes of Dancing With the Stars and boy, was it totally worth it. I actually heard a certain celebrity contestant (for the record, English is his first language; and yes, I'd be more merciful with the heavily-accented Eastern European professional dancers) describe his debut dance as "an outer body experience." I know! I couldn't believe it either! Of course we all know he actually had an outer brain experience when he meant to say "out-of-body experience".

See, don't you feel smart? But alas, that certain celebrity contestant has a gold medal in ice dancing and all we have is our high horse.

Join me next month for Grammarvelous #2! And if something has been stumping you, please send in your questions, conundrums or queries. I'll keep them anonymous of course.

* Testing you! While not accepted as a real word, many people use "funner" informally albeit incorrectly.

Quiz: Do Kids Make Terrible Roommates?

Yesterday morning, I found a hairbrush, one Homer Simpson slipper and a tube of toothpaste in our bed. When I told my husband, he matter-of-factly declared, "Kids make shitty roommates." Damn that's profound. Almost too simple. The synapses started firing. But perspective is everything. That's why I'm turning that frown upside down and offering a little quiz.

Ten reasons living with kids is so awesome. 

True or false? Give yourself one point for each sentence with which you agree.

1. It's totes adorbs how they think my things are also their things. Bonus point when said things are not returned.
2. The "let's leave the empty popsicle box in the freezer" game is still a hoot after all these years. Bonus point if they blame a sibling.
3. Sharing bath towels (even though we have plenty of clean ones nearby) is so endearing and sanitary. Bonus point if I find mine on the floor.
4. I'm living the Vic Tayback dream and honing my short-order cook prowess. Bonus point if they are miraculously full by the time I put the waffle, grilled cheese or chimichanga on the table.
5. It's shrewd to test the durability of a fresh manicure on a day-old smoothie-encrusted glass. Bonus point if they left the blender unsoaked as well.
6. It's incredibly charming when I get my iPad back and it's dead. Bonus point if I had to go on a late night scavenger hunt to find it. 
7. It's been a while, but I still can't underestimate the value of a good science lesson; particularly if it involves a sippy cup full of milk turning into yogurt under the seat of your car. Bonus point for having to sell that vehicle for that reason.
8. I just adore the sound of my own voice and find repeating things to be sheer merriment. Bonus point if you use your kid's given name. Extra bonus point for including the last name.
9. Despite their continued efforts I still don't see the Rorschach in the toothpaste phlegm they carefully arrange in my sink. But I won't give up. Bonus point for color.
10. I've come to derive true satisfaction from washing clothes that aren't really dirty. Bonus point if they haven't been worn at all.

Out of a possible 21 -- how'd you score? Did anyone else get the bonus point for #7?