Do you want fries with that humiliation?

I knew when school went back in session the "time to make the donuts" routine would fall right back in place. What I had completely forgotten about was the repetitive TV commercials we'd hear every morning. Like many people, we watch the local news to catch the weather, traffic and Oriole's game recap. My 12-year-old has some canny ability to repeat word for word every single commercial that's on. To me, they are just background noise, but it did get me thinking about all the strange things she's storing in her brain, and what strange things I stored in my 12-year-old brain.... (cue the Wayne's World flashback music)

When I was still eating Gerber's plum puree out of the jar, McDonalds introduced the Big Mac. It wouldn't be until years later I came to appreciate and worship all its spongy, drippy goodness. Sometime in the 1970s, McDonalds launched The Big Mac Challenge -- if you could recite all the ingredients in 4 seconds, you'd win a free Big Mac.

I trained with the laser focus of an Olympic athlete. For weeks I recited those 7 delightful ingredients in the car, in the shower, on the school bus. I knew them backwards, forwards and inside out. Finally, I was ready.

Funny how they never really look like this in real life.

My whole family piled into our harvest gold Cutlass Supreme and drove the 4 miles to the Plaza Del Mercado location. While my parents and brother waited in the car (I demanded they not accompany me for fear of embarrassment and distraction), I sauntered my pre-teen self into the restaurant and waited in line for my turn to earn the double-decker, hot and delicious gold medal. Here's how it went down:

Cashier: Welcome to McDonald's may I take your order?
Me: I'll have a twoallbeefpattiesspecialsaucelettucecheesepicklesonionsonasesameseedbun.
Cashier: What???
Me (mumbling, turning, running for the exit): Nevermind.

It felt as though I'd been kicked in the gut by Mayor McCheese himself. All the build-up to be completely (and probably inadvertently) shut down by a paper-hat wearing employee only a few years my senior. Maybe he legitimately didn't hear me. Maybe I was supposed to warn him to grab his timer because a winner was on the premises. Of course the grown up me, thinks it's kind of funny and not so horrible, but unfortunately, 12-year-olds think everything they do and say is observed, documented and discussed by the entire population of the world. At least that's how I felt that day.

I highly doubt my kid's ability to immediately recall carpet company phone numbers and heating and air conditioning jingles (as well as verbatim movies lines) will come in handy, but I'm ready to assist should the opportunity arise.

Injuring My Elbow Patting Myself on the Back

Ok, so I'm absolutely positive that I MUST have a thyroid problem. How else do I explain the 6 lbs I put on this summer? I was pondering this exact thought over Reese's and Sno-Caps-smothered fro-yo just last night. I realize I'm one flowy peasant top away from being asked when I'm due. To cheer myself up, I've decided to write a list of things that I'm good at. Because improving my eating habits seems a little lofty for me right now.

1. Mini- golf. Yes, I realize I was playing against my family, but I came in first place 3 out of the 4 times we played at the beach this summer. I even tied my mother on one occasion and she is a legitimate golfer with a tournament win under her belt.
2. Picking really easy but delicious recipes. I hardly ever cook, but if invited somewhere I'll always make an appetizer (I do not bake, ever.). I'll spend an inordinate amount of time searching for something that I'll devote no more than 13 minutes assembling. And trust me, it'll be edible.
3. Connecting people. I'm always trying to hook-up people I know whether it's recommending the county's best margarita, booking a reputable manicurist, taking the kids to a skilled pediatrician, locating a discreet Botox professional or helping a friend looking for a new job. And I don't even charge a fee.
4. Finding lost items. I hardly ever lose my own things, but for some reason my house is the Bermuda Flipping Triangle to the rest of the yahoos that live here. I have a certain sense of where the lost keys, wallet, iPhone, Littlest Pet Shops, Monster High dolls, headbands, flip flops, goggles, lacrosse stick, retainer (eww!) or dog leash might be.
5. Saying no. Or I don't know. Or maybe. I'm really an expert. Especially when it comes to my kids wanting to do something, buy something or go somewhere. I hardly ever say yes right out of the gate. This way I never have to disappoint them and when I do say yes, they are totally shocked and think I'm the greatest.

I'm feeling better already. Celebrate yourself with me! What unlikely thing are you good at?